Modest Proposals

Inexplicably Denmark has refused to give us Greenland. Borrowing on the advice of the eminent American philosopher Don Corleone, might we make an offer that can’t be refused?

Solvang. What better than a diplomatic trade: Solvang for Greenland. Denmark rids itself of a pesky 400 year old colonial rat-trap, filled with riches, trolls and dragons. Since it is already guarded by our military bases, its consequent defense will be expense free. We can move in tomorrow and immediately start selling excess refrigerators to the ice-bound natives.

People say Solvang is a den of inequity, sedition, and terrorism. People say Buellton and all of Ventura County are imperiled. The Oxnard River Park mall and Reagan Library are preparing to shutter lest ravening Solvang hordes descend to pillage for designer jeans and the rare, rumored collection of stale jelly beans secured there.

We can benefit by cleansing ourselves of a warren of vicious, viperous hyphenated Danish-“American”, well-fed terrorists. In return we get empty real estate upon which to build (without regard to CEQA and free of building codes, thus solving the Governor’s housing problem).

The Kingdom of Denmark gains by vastly increasing its population, a mass of consumers already fluent in English, the better to order burgers and cokes It gains the opportunity to dump a half-frozen island of riches, scarce of people, freeways and processed foods.

If the Danes refuse and we are forced to invade Greenland to save it from its inhabitants, we do encounter a minor hitch. Article 5 of the NATO alliance inconveniently asserts an attack on any one is an attack on all. Thus after 9/11, all rallied to us and joined in a war on terror and Afghanistan. But if we attack Denmark, unfortunately it means we will be obligated to attack ourselves as well. This could pose a problem for our efforts to reinvent the fighting spirit of our military.

No problem. We just make something up to distract from and thereby excise awareness of contradiction, promise and legality. We create an AI video of Harry and Meghan fleeing to The Sound of Music across the Tops Topa Mountains, children and jewels clasped to heaving breasts, Mercedes-less, reduced to Uber and Grubhub rations. The locals could be clad in surplus SS uniforms, chorus Springtime for Hitler and the Horst Wessel song while brandishing Tiki Torches from CVS stores. We give the ruthless, well-armed, threatening Danes no warning, a cost-free pre-emptive surprise. We might call this the Pear Harbor or Trump thump. Or perhaps the Putin poke.

And if we can’t trade or invade, what then? Level Greenland with a few nuclear bombs, that way the Danes won’t be tempted to do something useful, like live there or develop a Riveria of the Northern Lights challenging Las Vegas.

As for the Danes of Solvang, they might be plump eating. The Gazans are too skinny and starved, and the President has already slated them for vacationing en masse in Guantanamo, Cuba. No chance or choice gormandizing there. But given all the rich desserts Solvangers consume, a dividend might be found in their tastiness.