Ten Reasons Kyrie Irving Can’t Come Out and Play

Over his NBA career, Kyrie Iriving has missed 271 out of 942 games, meaning he’s been absent 29% of the time. Physically absent, that is. It’s harder to track how often he’s been mentally absent. In addition to absences due to a plethora of injuries, other reasons he’s missed games include being banned for refusing to get a COVID-19 vaccine, a suspension for posting a link to an anti-semitic film, and being AWOL from the Nets for undisclosed reasons in the midst of the pandemic during which he was filmed maskless at an indoor party.

Kyrie has also starred in the movie “Uncle Drew”, espoused the flat earth theory, forced his way off three winning teams, and most recently helped turn the fourth place playoff-bound Dallas Mavericks into the eleventh place playoff-missing Dallas Mavericks after forcing a mid-season trade away from the Nets. He claims he’s committed to staying with the Mavericks, but time will tell. At the very least, if history is any indication, he’s going to miss many more games. Here are some possible reasons why:

• Suspended for sharing link to controversial film “Avatar: The Way of Water” along with post reading “The blue-ish people control the media. Do your own research.”

• Felt bad that he “broke the ankles” of his defender, decided to actually break own ankles as show of sympathy

• Claims accidentally went wrong way driving to game and drove off edge of earth, but was saved from certain death by blue people from “Avatar: The Way of Water”

• Went on darkness retreat with fellow anti-vaxxer Aaron Rogers, unable to find light switch and leave dark room in time for game

• Missed flight on team plane, choosing to travel on “higher plane of consciousness”

• Sidetracked by new conspiracy theory that the Amish are behind cutting-edge laser technology that will turn chickens into deadly killing machines

• Busy filming “Uncle Drew 2: Even Drewier”

• Leave of absence for undisclosed personal reasons, but caught on camera at furries party wearing no mask, just huge walrus costume

• Refusing to play until his trade demand to the NHL is met

• Injured his feelings reading this article